Discipline: What Does it Really Mean?

When our children were babies, it was hard to imagine that we would ever have the need to punish them. We dreaded the reality that at some point, they would soon be toddlers, developing their own personalities and exhibiting good and unfortunately, bad behavior.

We have so many fears when it comes to discipline. Am I doing it right? Is it enough? What if I do something to make it worse?

There are many studies surrounding discipline and punishment. What if we were to approach discipline from a different angle. Instead of looking at discipline as a form punishment, we should accept discipline as teaching. The word discipline is actually derived from the Greek word that means “teaching and learning”.

When we realize that punishment only addresses the bad behavior at the moment, we discover that while it is a short-term solution, it has long-term effects. Children regularly punished for misbehaviors instead of being taught why the actions were bad eventually pull away and distance themselves from their families.

Here are some tips on how to shift from discipline as punishment to discipline as teaching:

1.    Think of Yourself as a Teacher

As parents, our kids are constantly learning from us. What we do has more weight than what we say. When we treat our children with respect, they will treat us and others with respect. Think of yourself as your child's teacher with lessons to teach about good manners and appropriate behavior.

2.    Create an Environment for Learning

When you give praise and highlight the positive more than punish, kids don't focus on the negative and the home feels like a safe place. This sense of security encourages learning because they trust that those in it have their best interest at heart.

3.    Communicate Why Correct Behavior is Important

Teach the right behavior by telling your kids the appropriate was to act instead of dictating what they shouldn't be doing. Explain the negative impact of their misbehavior. Very rarely do punishments like time-outs or extra chores result in the bad behavior not being repeated.

4.    Spend Time Together

To build positive relationships with our children, we need to be present. As parents, we lead busy lives. But when our kids feel that we are too busy and inaccessible, they often misbehave to get our attention. Spend time with your kids, be ready to talk and prepared to listen.

5.    Praise Often

Don't let good behavior go unnoticed. When we make the mistake of only disciplining our children when they have done something wrong rather than constantly praising them when they are constantly good, they may be lead them to believe that the only acts worth your attention are bad behavior.

6.    Teach Them How To Behave

You cannot just expect your kids to be good. They need to be taught how to behave properly.

Before entering a toy store, explain to your child that they are going to see a lot of toys that they will like. However, you are not there to buy anything for themselves but to choose a gift for their cousin. Emphasize that it is their responsibility to pick out the best toy that they know their cousin will absolutely love. Tell them that you understand that they will see a lot of things that they will like for themselves and that they will need to be patient for when it is their turn.

7.    Explain Why It Is Important

Teach your kid the importance of the lesson you are teaching them. Talk to your child about the importance of being patient and waiting their turn. Parents who don’t explain to children why they are entering a toy store and not buying something for that child may end up with their kid on the floor throwing a tantrum.

8.    Model the Behavior

When you walk around the toy store and find something you feel your child may like, say, “Isn’t this nice? I would put this on my wishlist!”

The next time you are with your child in your favorite shop just browsing, show your child an item that you would like to buy someday. Tell them that you’re going to take a photo of it and put it on your wishlist. You’re going to wait for a special occasion to buy it for yourself and work extra hard to save up for it.

As parents, there is always a chance for us to learn. And when we learn and recognize that teaching is a powerful channel for discipline, we will enjoy a more positive and nurturing process that benefits both our kids and us.

Classroom Positivity: Assuming the Best

For positive connections to exist in our classrooms, we should assume the best if we want to foster long-term learning. Students often live up to our expectations as they can tell what we believe about them in how we treat them. 

In my early years, I used to listen to reports of challenging behavior from student's previous year teacher, and made unfair assumptions about them before they entered my room. I now realize that this is unfair. Children grow and change and often demonstrate different behavior when in a new environment.  Our job as teachers is to accept them where they are and help them get to their next step academically and socially.  This involves having a positive mindset about the child's ability to perform and grow from their current level of functioning.    

We will inevitably find ourselves in difficult situations when kids who live in tough conditions bring those elements into the classroom by either acting out or challenging your authority. When I assume the best rather than presume that the child does not want to be there, will refuse to participate, and won’t care to learn proper behavior, I limited my ability to educate the child while also losing the opportunity to build a positive parent-student connection.

The Invisible Contract

When I start the year assuming the best, I imagine that each child that enters my classroom holds an invisible contract.

Students come to the classroom with the following expectation:"Please teach me appropriate behavior in a safe and structured environment." Teachers have their own side of the contract: "I will do my best to teach you appropriate behavior in a safe and structured environment."

Some students have tried to test my limits by challenging my authority to see just how far they can go before I break. Despite what they already know to be appropriate behavior, they will act out to see if I will pass their test and teach them appropriate behavior while ensuring their safety and structure.

The reality is that while kids want to test us, they ultimately want us to pass. Kids who act out are demanding attention and don’t realize that they are actually seeking structure and someone to correct their misbehaviors.

Kids who are more prone to act out usually identify themselves from the moment they first enter the classroom. But rather than prepare for misbehavior by producing a list of the appropriate consequences, I assume the best and approach them while observing my tone of voice, voice volume, posture, and body language. I manage the student with strategies that aim to prevent the bad behavior before it happens. 

Consider using the 2x10 Strategy

I had a particularly difficult student who loved to disrupt the class. He would talk out of turn, ask questions not related to the topic we were discussing, and complain loudly that the lesson or equations were too hard.

Every day for ten days in a row, I spoke with him for 2 minutes about anything he wanted. In the beginning, he didn’t take it seriously and would talk about utter nonsense. But a few days later, he started to open up, telling me a little more and more about home and even what he wanted to be when he grew up. By day 10, I hadn’t even realized that ten days had passed or at which point his behavior had improved. All I know is that there was now less disruptions and more eye contact during lessons. Sure there was still the occasional outburst in his attempt to make his classmates laugh, but it was always related to the subject matter and no longer what I would consider misbehaving.

When the child gets the opportunity to talk about their interests, they form a relationship with the teacher, and the student begins to see that they are sincerely cared for. Often, kids act out because they have no one to listen or pay genuine attention to them. After ten days, you’ll notice that the child’s classroom behavior has improved.

Strategies such as these have helped me realize that kids who misbehave do in fact want to be disciplined and that all their griping about homework or pop quizzes is their way of communicating that they want to be cared for. When I assumed the best, I removed all negative presumptions that would otherwise have hurt my ability to both educate and discipline the child in a safe and structured manner.

Give Your Kids the Gift of Gratitude

Shauna F. King

shaunafking@gmail.com

People realize the goodness in their lives when they live a life of gratitude. With a grateful heart, you can focus on the positive elements of your past, appreciate the gift of the present moment, and look forward to the future with positivity and hope.  

As grateful adults, we realize the value of passing on the gift of gratitude to our children. Kids who are appreciative find more value in their connections with their peers and their community and find less satisfaction in material things. Children who are less materialistic are more self-aware, driven and disciplined compared to kids raised with a sense of entitlement. It’s grateful children that grow to be contented adults who discover the truest sense of success.

Whatever age your child is, fostering gratitude in them shouldn't be forced. They will learn to be grateful through your words, your actions and your guidance. From toddler to teen, it is never too early or too late to promote gratitude in your child.

Here are my top 3 tips to guide your kids towards a life of gratitude.

1.    Lead them by example.

Be their model for expressing gratitude. Say "thank you" and "please.” Be vocal about how thankful you are for little blessings and life’s sweet surprises.

Explain to your kids why you are emailing thank you notes to all your sister’s girlfriends who helped in the success of the surprise baby shower you organized for her. Ask your daughter to help you bake cookies for the neighbor who fed her goldfish while you were out-of-town last weekend.

The good manners and acts of appreciation you teach your kids today will be the foundation on which they build a lifestyle centered on gratitude.

2.             Have them work for things they want.

When you tell your kid that he needs to earn the game or toy he wants by either saving his allowance or doing extra chores, he will learn the value of the dollar and the actual amount of work it takes.

Kids who aren’t spoiled with everything and are expected to work towards buying the things they want learn to appreciate what they already have. Having them work for the things they want gives them a realistic perspective of needs vs. wants. Your kids will start to prioritize the things they need, develop restraint, and start to make better choices.

3.             Share your day’s lows and highs.

Sit down with your child and take turns talking about something that happened that wasn’t so great followed by something awesome that happened that day. Sharing your day’s unhappy lows and joyful highs teaches kids and adults alike to always look for a silver lining.

“I was sad today because I scraped my knee playing tag during recess. But I was super happy that the nurse gave me a Band-Aid with Mario!”

Count your blessings. At some point, we will all start to see only the presence of good without seeking the absence of the bad.

How to Talk so Your Students Listen

Shauna King

In a world of increasing distractions and decreasing attention spans, it can be difficult to keep a young person’s attention. These simple tips can help you with how to talk so your students listen.

Get Their Attention First

First, get the students attention. You can't expect a student to snap to attention the moment you start speaking, especially if they are absorbed in a book or digital device. For an individual student, place your hand on their shoulder and make eye contact. If you are in a classroom, use a universal quiet signal such as a hand raise or chimes to get their attention. Give students a few minutes' warning to finish up what they were working on or to end their conversations before you begin the discussion or next task.

Focus on the Positive

As the old adage says, "You can catch more flies with honey." If you use negative phrases such as "don't run" or "stop talking to your neighbor," you only criticize the student and fail to instruct what to do in place of the undesirable behavior. Use more positive language such as "walk please" or "please finish your assignment quietly" so the student knows what to do instead.

Repeat After Me

Lectures are easily tuned out, especially when a student is used to hearing lectures from you. Ask the student to repeat any directions you give before working on a task. The student will soon learn to pay more attention if they know you will ask them to repeat what you said.

Be Realistic

Be realistic about the developmental stage of your students.  The brains of our students are growing, yet still underdeveloped.  The frontal lobe of the brain is the area that operates planning, impulse control, goal setting and time management. Surprisingly, this area of the brain is not fully developed until the mid-twenties! Be patient. Students of all ages need reminders and guidance to complete tasks. If you are a teacher, you serve as a "surrogate frontal lobe" for your student.

If you treat your students with respect, have patience and are mindful of their developmental milestones, you will be able to talk so students listen.